WinSin-ouslogy

2011-07-19T03:12:00.000-07:00

hey..since i think three-five-ten is not so cool..so i change the name again..

u can read my blog here and refollow it again..

sorry for the trouble..but im guessing that blog gonna be my full time official blog.. :-/

my video

2011-07-08T00:18:00.001-07:00

my first ever video and it's on youtube..please like it at youtube to show me your support.. :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39rvCdMxvtk

2011-07-02T01:48:00.000-07:00

ta dah...

http://three-five-ten.blogspot.com/

something new is coming..

2011-06-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

just deleted a very old old old blog of mine and planned to create a new new new blog under the same account but with frequent update instead..

but no idea of naming it yet.. :-/

2011-05-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2011/5/24/nation/20110524185902&sec=nation

i told you before.. :-/

2011-05-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

alright, let's face the truth..who on earth(i mean malaysia) study but do not wish to get a scholarship and stand a chance to study abroad? and seriously, how many people get it and truly deserve it?

How can i get one?
oh, it's simple..really..just get the maximum number of As as possible and pray..so why bother joining events and club activities, or maybe getting involve some leadership-management stuff if they do not really care about it now..because, in reality, getting straight As means you are a good leader/best student/future leader/etc. so basically you do not need to prove that you are by being president of some club/society nor organizing and managing events..and even you do(and you score straight As)you might have slightly better advantage compare to the other candidates..but to think again, they might just close one eye and look on your academic result, only..

while i do agree some people do deserve the scholarship after all the hard work studying and involving in some, if not many, extra co-curricular activities, there are a lot(almost all)get it purely based on their academic result..although some from this group might come in with a title of "president of club" or "project manager of event" or maybe "head of something" but sometimes do you wonder, are they really the best choice for it, or just because they are the only choice to fill in the blank?

Spot my Sport
alright, fine..assuming that you are the best/good academically and hold some good posts(and a proven leader too of course)i believe almost all/none involve in SPORT(please don't give me CHESS as the answer)..the idea is that why waste time involve in sport if i have enough merits from other activities will surely popped up in their mind..and in fact, putting the option between sports and etc. makes everyone to choose etc. to get the points..i am not trying to say/ask you to involve in football or badminton or netball and be a rep and earn the right of obtaining the scholarship, no i am not..it's just that "how many" will go have try to play the game, or try to involve in a sport day(i mean 100m or long jump and so on, not putting a uniform marching around the field)

Where to Find the Combo?
i believe each year, there is at least one student who is of these combo and should(probably the most suitable one)to get scholarship but it's hard..they are forced to choose to scarify one of it..u want to be world class player your studies will be affected and vice versa..

seriously it is easier to find a student with a result of "very good" category than a sport player of state-level standard..and even you are the product of the combo, still you need to choose between the sport you like and chase the dream of your life..

Good Student + No Scholarship = What to Do?
in malaysia, often will we hear that some top scorers fail to obtain any scholarship and force to be on their own..and being malaysian, the first thought/next step would be go to a private college..i have no comment on choosing a private college to further our study because maybe you can(your parents can)afford the fees(or get a loan) and it is half securing your future with its status..

commonly, everyone will try to get a place in matriculation..despite being easy to score and at least already secure a place in local university, it is not recognize else where in the world but malaysia only..so perhaps competition will be higher as almost everyone can score an easy 4.0(if you are hardworking all the time)and placement for your choice of program+university will be a lot,tougher..

Diploma and STPM
ironically, many "good students" don't give a damn on diploma and STPM anymore..for them, it is waste of time(both), unsecure future(diploma) and tough(STPM)..but seriously, it is just the mentality that plays their part..well to think of it(in terms of engineering courses via diploma)there are quite a number of scholarships available upon "graduation"(Shell, PETRONAS, JPA, etc)..perhaps the problem is that everyone is unaware of it..and if you still dream of studying 'oversea', doing well in STPM will send you to our friendly neighbor singapore..well, it is still 'oversea' right?

oh ya..its just my opinion..personally opinion, only.. ><

Who knows?

2011-05-02T07:45:00.000-07:00

take a walk with me, will you?

final examination in UTP is coming within days but still suddenly, i feel like writing something and i know this is something unusual for me to do. perhaps i just wanna waste some times.

but then again, out of boredom, i've been thinking yet again. why i am here in this place at first place? because i don't see myself, doing things i like the most, enjoying things i normally do, having fun like i used to be, and most importantly, being myself here.

well, you see, the problem with this place is that, it gathers "the best brain" from all over the place in malaysia, put them in a jungle-look-alike university, and ask them to survive 4 to 5 years while hoping they become totally well-rounded. it is actually a good plan IF they turn out to be PETRONAS employees in the nearest future. but i don't see the point of these future leaders if each and everyone of them is repeating/doing what their seniors did previously. i mean there's no initiative for them to change the things but blindly following it with/without minor changes. well, it's from my point of view of course. i came from different background with different experience so i can't say nor compare much, as i don't have the credibility to do so.

perhaps i used to be on top and now that i am sitting in the bottom, it makes me see things differently.

secondly, for obvious reason why i'm not enjoying here is that, i often being outcasted, except with the batch that i came in here with. i'm not a social outcast, i do try to talk or join in sometimes but now i don't really see the point.

if you in a group of 4, adding one more might seems ok and the car might just has another place for one more. and if you in a group of 6, then being the 7th guy obviously feel awkward. but in either case, say outing or movie night or maybe lunch/dinner outside campus, the probability of them calling you to join them is 3% because they are not used to have the extra member. well, maybe they will call you for futsal(because they don't have the number and they don't mind anyone playing as long they have the people to play)or mamak(provided others are not mamak-type or interested that time)

i do miss UMS sometimes, well at least i feel like i belong in a group there with my fellow friends there(because we are of the same batch). i'm happier there, laughing harder there, compare to here of course. in short, things(human) are quite complicated here. i like it simple there. not forgetting the number of girls at UMS too :D

those time i used to work hard/committed in doing simple stuffs/events/etc but now i find it hard to have that kind of commitment level here. as i said earlier, how to do with all my heart if i am not enjoying it at all. simple, ask them who am i and they might ask back am i a committee too? try it to believe it. one reason i think it is due to the way of them doing things here. although i don't mind applying/coping with new style/way but sometimes i find it pointless because they are some people who can't make me feel i am one of the team. mostly they just being a leader that lead the group and achieve goals(my roommate agrees on this-and we are STPM leaver :P)well once again, it just my 2 cent and personal opinion.

too bad, i can't reverse the time. by the end of my final exam, i'll be in my 3rd year and have another 2 years before grad. all i have to do is to hold on for another 2 years, and everything gonna be over, i hope.

well....
who knows what might happen in the future? nobody knows
who knows if i make a right decision? nobody knows
who knows how i might be if i opt to say in UMS? nobody knows
who knows how many people will read this and comment on it? i know-nobody :P

adios

b---h

2010-11-08T20:03:00.000-08:00

a new beginning as the sun rises to shine a brand new day

and i thought i had let it go a long time ago..but somehow there's some odd feeling kept hunting me when i saw the new status of her..what the hell am i thinking???

ever since that day..i never plan to look back..i never plan to even care about her life anymore..but somehow my heart always change my stands..it's like..there's a small part deep inside me..hoping that things will change and go according to my way..

there are times where revenge is on my mind..but what's the point of revenging where at the end, i might be the one who suffer from it..?even if i get my chance to pay back, i don't think that i can cruelly do it..i'm just, not that type of person i guess...

some time ago, a friend of mine came and told me some truth about her..and the ugly truths make sense..i mean, it's the kind of truth that everyone wishes not to know about it and inside your heart u know u r lying to yourself..the best part, i accepted the truth..i acknowledged it..all i can do it, make a fake smile and act nothing happen..

no worries though..i live my life with no regret so far..and screw her man..u have nothing to do in my life anymore so stop finding me for helps..pretending that we are close friend whenever i'm useful and act busy after i'll help u???i am sorry gal but that ain't gonna happen the next time i receive your damn msg anyway..i had walked a brand new path every single day and i am ain't looking back..

"screw u, i ain't care anymore"

path

2010-08-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

the path that i am walking on currently

there was a time where i need to choose a path between two..i chose one..and i always wonder how if i choose the other..would life be more wonderful on the other side of the road..?i don't know and will never know..

there are some points in my life that i wish i could turn back the time and re-do some decision that won't make me regret about it now..

time machine anyone?

2nd year begins..

2010-07-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

our journey looks so far away but everything is just started

and now i'm about to be called 2nd-year student/senior/junior in UTP which means i walked the quarter part of my uni life..but somehow i still feel the emptiness in me..i which i know why..

now that a year had passed..i guess i still couldn't believe the fact that i left UMS for UTP..perhaps a clear good reason will clear the doubt in me..

but it still sadden me that i am yet to find the group/gang that talks the same 'language' as me, or in another word - common interest, count-on-me-buddy etc type..but i gotta admit, there are great pals i met in UTP, some i consider as my buddy,but somehow i have a different feeling whenever i am hang out with them compare to those when i am in UMS..

well,i'm just finish my 1st year of studies..there are 3 more years to go..perhaps things will change slowly here in UTP..whether i'm happy or not,i gotta do it..because there is no machine that could turn back the time..the road might be long and looked so far away but it's just the starting point..things SHOULD BE getting interesting here, i hope..

p/s - i miss UMS a lot..kinda regret..sigh..but let's see if it is the best choice i've made..maybe in 10 years time?haha..

the past..now..and the future

2010-07-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

our past might be carrying our sorrows, unhappy memories, or the dark moment of our life..one seems to remember all the nostalgia past very well..but we do forget that we had gone through it with all those happy moments, the top of the world feeling or unforgettable situations which give us joy and happiness..but human do prefer to remember the negative side of it rather than the positive side..

some agree what past remains the past..what is more important is who we are now..but as we fight through our daily life, problems or conflicts or choices become our next headache..we will be concerning about our study(especially when exam is getting closer), money(if u are using your own money for daily stuff or from your parents where they work damn hard just to give it to u), friends(best friend? sis/bro relationship? rival? emotion? selfishness?) or maybe something more personal..we will never know what comes next, and what would happen after that, and yet all we might asking for is some time to escape from this cruel reality world that kills our youth..

but however, what we are now might not be what we want to be in the future..hundreds of thousands of us are dreaming of earning big money, living in big house, driving our dream car etc..but how many actually achieve that? don't blame anyone by saying we never work for it or work not hard enough..the fact is actually our society kills our dreams..chances are basically given to those with experience(not fresh grad) or those with some kind of relationship in between or maybe from back door/dirty tricks..very few will be lucky, if their superiors are fair enough to everyone..and how many actually will ask 'how good are u in ... in real life' rather than 'what is your pointer' or 'which place did u get your degree from'..

just like the house in the picture..in the past, it was a home for a family but now it is left with nothing and nobody knows what gonna be of it in the nearest future..but nevertheless, hope that we do remember that our parents give us a home and grow us to be what we are today and never forget the fact in the future,no matter what happens..

smell the holiday

2010-05-26T08:29:00.000-07:00

in less than 12 hours i will be free from utp for about 2 months(hopefully)..

next..i will be cracking my head to decide to buy a DSLR camera or to keep the money..

-taken during alvin's birthday with a sony DSLR-

so this is it..if i'm buying it then it will be a problem of canon or nikon..ish ish..let's see the result after i finish my final..lolx

it's been awhile

2010-05-20T02:36:00.001-07:00

waoh..it's been awhile since i last post anything..

well let's see..

1-i'm in the middle of my final now where i am trying to survive..did quite badly.. :(

2-some coursework marks are quite good while the others quite bad..

3-moral studies suck to the max, trust me.. :(

4-decided to buy a DSLR..but don't know which model to buy..choosing between Canon EOS 550D or Nikon D5000

Friendship

2010-02-28T04:53:00.000-08:00

Friendship is like a physics formula..it is easier to understand how important a formula is but it can be very complicated when we want to apply it into a question and the outcome might be correct and gain marks or wrong and you'll remember the mistake for the next exam..

Sometimes i do wonder..why it is hard for us to treat everyone equally..when u need help, u will find that particular friend for help..but what happens next is that u will never find tht friend again until u need help again from the same person..have u ever come across such a person?i mean,they will be super nice to u out of the sudden..via chatting or sms, they will use nice word to u until they ask 'can i ask u something' or 'actually, i have a prob..'..and later there wont be any sweet msg-s from them but a 'straight-forward task'..

Or you have a friend that is super close to you in the beginning of your friendship,and suddenly you can feel the distance is getting further apart..and the more u try,the more effort u put in,it doesnt work..the distance is still fall apart..more input no output..it is still a Newton's 3rd law but with a negative reaction..and somehow u might wonder why or wat hav u done wrong tht this friendship is slowly fading away..

but put in another way round..what would u do..if there is this kind of person tht u dont like tht much..but somehow tht person like to hang out wit u..talk to u..share personal prob..ask for your help or advices..what would u do..ignore or just say i'm busy..or try to be a good guy & at the same time try to maintain a distance?

wouldn't u say its complicated?its like an essay of problem for u to solve..it can be done by using one and the only one formula..but the tricky part is which one and what's the exact value to be used..if human makes friendship so complicated..what makes love?

what hurts the most is that u wont dare / cant tell this to them cz they r somehow important to u..well of cz not for those cold blooded type of person :P

1st 2nd begins..

2010-01-25T09:30:00.000-08:00

my 1st day of my 1st year 2nd sem in UTP had ended..i was totally free the whole..its like i'm on a holiday or something..the only class(Engineering graphic) was at 9am and ended at 10am..then..oh wait..there's no lab for these 2 weeks..OMG..too free for now..

so i ended up in my room almost the whole afternoon and the later roommate asked me to go gym with him and i thought..why now.. :)

gym was fun but a little bit tiring..it has been awhile since i last went for a sport or exercise.. T.T
and friends next door decided to move to V5 so we too decided to shift into their room since david's room is just opposite ours..oh well..there goes the troubles and funs.. :P

well..life gonna get busier and busier week by week from now on.. :(

recently..

2010-01-21T06:29:00.000-08:00

Chinese New Year is coming near..so i made some cookies during my semester break to earn some extra money..or in other word,its my part time job..well, i spent my money in it and in hope i'll get it back with some profits so i did not go anywhere to enjoy my holiday..still have some left in the room so i decided to post it in facebook and TAG TAG TAG..haha..the most popular sale was of course, pineapple tart..i almost sold every single one of them and kept some for UTPian..hehe

i sent an e-mail to my beloved Kak Azi and Kak Mas about two days ago..just to thank them for the wonderful week of STE in Permata Bangi..and it's a perfect timing and programme to fill up my boring holiday..i really learn a lot from the camp and i am actually hoping that it doesnt end that fast..well, its common for a camp has its boringness in the beginning but as it goes on and we get excited about it then we realise it's about the end of the camp..

not long after i sent the e-mail, i got an auto-reply e-mail from Kak Azi stating that she's busy with something on..and to my surprise, she did reply this morning when i check my mail..though she was busy with her stuff, she still has the timeto check her mail and send me a reply..and she promised me to write a longer when after she finish with her current event..i was like " O M G" when i saw her name in my mail box..i'm touched..

at the beginning, i planned to go to Stadium Putra to watch badminton Malaysia Open especially Lin Dan, Peter Gade and Taufik Hidayat are playing..due to some reason, the plan cancelled..i planned to watch the semi-final matches which seem to be interesting but now that Lin Dan pulled out and Taufik is beaten in 1st round, i guess nothing is worth watching anymore since i watched Chong Wei fought Peter Gade last year semi-final..well..lucky me?

semester break is coming to an end this sun and busy life will start again soon..just that this time will be a little different from last sem, since something happen..hehe..

i'm expecting to meet my friends back in the campus..and wondering how to organise my room at V2E-210 this time..its smaller than my room in V6..damn..

Sang Helang

2010-01-11T07:36:00.000-08:00

Program 'Soaring the Eagle' (STE) yang bermula pada 3 januari telahpun berakhir. Aku tidak pernah sesekali menyangka bahawa aktiviti-aktiviti sebegini mampu memberi kesan yang mendalam pada diriku. Jika aku tak silap, program yang mendatangkan kesan yang sama pada masa yang lalu adalah 'Dharma Youth Camp' (DYC) dan 'La Sallian's Leader National Convention'.

Asalnya, kalau ikut hajat hati, ingin kuponteng STE. Tak kiralah hendak memberi apa jua alasannya. Sebab aku sudah membuat perancangan untuk pergi ke Sabah, negeri di bawah bayu. Sebuah tempat yang kurindu sehingga kini. Namun masa telah membuktikan pilihanku untuk menyertai STE adalah tepat. STE telah membuka mataku, untuk melihat dunia dari arah yang lain. Jika sebelum ini mataku sudah terbuka, STE memperluaskan pandanganku lagi.

PETRONAS Permata mengingatkan diriku tentang Grand Blue Wave Hotel and Taiping Bukit Merah Resort, tempat di mana aku menyertai Program Kecemerlangan BAKTI pada 2005 dan 2006. Setaraf. Aku pernah mendengar cerita tentang STE daripada kawan-kawan yang pernah menyertainya sebelum ini, tetapi, tempat yang digelar syurga oleh para peserta ini jauh berbeza daripada gambaran yang diberikan. Bilik berpenghawa dingin, pemanas air, gim untuk bersenam, basikal untuk dipinjam, gelanggang dan padang boleh untuk digunakan dan pool serta snuker tidak dikecualikan. Ah, tempat ini bagaikan mimpi indah untuk orang yang dijemput menyertai sebuah kem!

Tambahan pula, kumpulan aku (Group 2) terdiri daripada 20 orang rakan yang hebat-hebat belaka serta 2 orang facilatator yang memang terbaik sekali. Aku tidak mengharapkan sesuatu yang mustahil, cuma berharap ikatan persahabatan yang terbina dalam masa 5 hari setengah ini tidak mudah diputuskan begitu sahaja kerana walaupun masanya adalah singkat, namun aku sangat gembira kerana dapat mengenali mereka semua dan lebih mengenali kawan yang telah berkenalan sebelum STE.

Kak Mas (kiri) dan Kak Azi (kanan) yang mengendalikan kumpulan 2, pada pendapat saya, berjiwa muda. Mungkin mereka pernah melalui zaman yang bergelar remaja namun, kata-kata serta tingkah laku mereka tidak berubah seperti sebahagian daripada kita. Kemunculan mereka berdua telah memberi inspirasi yang baru untukku, memberitahuku impian yang pernah sekali berkabur menjadi mimpi masih boleh menjadi harapan yang menyinar di hujung jalan. Cuma, persoalannya, apakah aku dapat memberi alasan yang kukuh untuk terus mempercayai cerita masa depan masih menungguku untuk mengukir plotnya? Jawabnya sudah tentu aku ada.

Perjalanan 5 hari setengah di Permata sudah cukup untuk mendewasakan pemikiranku, sekurang-kurangnya aku dapat berfikir setaraf lebih tinggi dan selangkah lebih jauh daripada sebelum ini. Aku cuma berharap STE mengambil tempatnya sebelum aku melangkah masuk ke alam sarjana muda. Untung sekali junior-junior yang bakal mengelar diri mereka sebagai Student 1st year 1st sem. Semoga mereka dapat menggunakan peluang ini sebaik mungkin. Bagiku, masih belum terlambat lagi jika nak memulakannya. Walaupun mungkin terlambat sedikit, namun aku masih mempunyai masa yang tinggal untuk berubah.

Kawan? Eh, banyak! Ada roy, pete, zaid, deen, syuhada, allen, mazuin, azimah, fauzan, haziq, syuk, ridhwan, haiqal, dan imi. Yang lain boleh kata dah kenal sebelum ini. Namun, kehadiran mereka serba sedikit bakal mempengaruhi kisah hidupku di bab seterusnya. Aku juga berharap aku telah meninggalkan sedikit impak terhadap semua, biarlah dari sudut yang baik mahupun buruk. Yang baik terus dijadikan kenangan dan yang buruk dijadikan iktibar untuk diingati.

Ish..Berani korang ambil gambar tanpa aku ye..

Pendek kata, kem ini memang one of the best so far untuk aku. Mungkin jika aku diletakkan dalam group lain, lain pula kesudahannya. Jadi, bersyukurlah kita ditemukan dalam satu kem, satu tempat, satu kumpulan dan satu persahabatan. Si anak helang akan membesar suatu hari nanti, membuka sayapnya dan akan berterbangan megah di udara. Nescayalah.

I miss u guys..

goodbye 2009....hello 2010

2009-12-31T05:17:00.000-08:00

the year is almost gone but hopefully it also made us strong......

the path was long..but we walked it proud with a song.....

there were fears & tears..but we also had the reasons for cheers....

cut the story short...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE
=)

Worst day in UTP..perhaps in my life(almost)

2009-11-09T16:01:00.000-08:00

what the hell..what happened??

i worked so hard just to buy it..saving money like i'm going through hell..even though at last i ended up using the money to buy air ticket to UMS..and finally i managed to come back here,get back the money i used,and bought it..BUT WHY???it is not even a month i'm using it..why there are @#$%^&* aiming me,stole it from me???

i was a little bit of moody yesterday night..i dont know what happen to me..knowing that someone close to me is in the bad mood or something affecting me too somehow..so i ended up sleeping earlier instead of continue studying or going out for a 'milo ais'..perhaps it was a bad decision..?

there's no lock to my room..it was spoil,unrepair by the v6 management..and it was about the end of the semester so they dont really give a damn on us..and so it happened..

it was a mistake,for sure..i slept earlier,found myself waking up at about 4.30am with the door half open..the first thing came into my mind was my laptop and handphone..yup..there are still there..wallet is still full with money..my roomarete is not feeling well so i thought he forget to close it back and went to sleep..so i wake up and closed it back..

and later,my roomate was in panic..at about 6am..he said he lost his phone..i was shock and checked for mine..#$%^&..gone..both of us..its not even a month with me yet..i hope the thief will rott in hell..car accident..whatsoever la..i dont care..and hate being nice to people ady..i did nothing but to went out for studies..and why there are people showing faces to me for that reason?

what can we do..?police?room to room search?well..nothing..

2009-09-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

Love is kind
Love is harsh
Love is wonderful
Love is terrible
Love is a cure
Love is a sickness
Love is LOVE
Love is hate
Love is meaningful
Love is pointless
Love shows the best in people
Love shows the worse in people
Love makes us speak truth
Love makes us lie
Love understands everything
Love confuses everyone
Love builds your life
Love tears your heart down
Love makes you smile
Love makes you cry
Love makes us cuddle
Love makes us hit
Love makes the world go round
Love makes the world go crashing down
Love makes things simple
Love makes things impossible
Love is always worth it
Love is never worth it
Love makes us smarter
Love makes us stupid
Love is enlightening!
Love is BLIND
Make love not war
Make war out of love
Love encourages
Love scares
Love is peaceful
Love creates fights
Love is soothing
Love is tough
Love is holding on
Love is letting go
Love is a way of living
Love is a way to feel

In short, Love Is Everything...

Do u Love mE?

wake me up..when september ends..

2009-09-16T10:03:00.000-07:00

i feel happy when people around me are happy and vice versa..i dont know why but i will try my best to make them happy even it doesnt related to me..even if i have to lie about something..even if i need to be somebody that i dont like..as long that they are happy..i'm fine with it..

out of the sudden,i re-call the moment..the day..when i force myself to give the answer 'i am confuse right now' and even after i purposely intro someone to her..and i remember how i used to be in the past regarding this matter..but still i couldn't lie to myself now..the difference is just i step in too deep this time..i am in trouble?perhaps i am..

the fact that she doesnt know the actual truth doesnt bother me..but the worst case is that i'm doing something to her which i shouldnt even started it earlier..i feel bad lying to her,and did 'that' purposely for a few times..it sure hurts a lot..a lot damages..be it mentally or physically..

i did the 'stupid' plan again..from the 1st step till the last step,it is all calculated,no mistake at all..but now it doesnt depend on me to make a u-turn..i am not the one who can decide the outcome of the plan..somehow it differs a little than i planned..shall i stay strong or give in?

and again,knowing the fact that there is something happen behind your back doesnt feel good,at all..i am not dumb or an idiot who do not know how to read a body language..i know everything that happen,in and out..or at least,i sense it..hehe

i guess what goes around comes around..since this is the way i treated someone(s) in my past,now,i get it back..it doesnt feel good of course,and now i know how and why it is so..

and last but not least,its hard to keep a secret..there are only two person here know about the truth,and they are protecting it for me(thanks guys)..i even appreciate it that they try to make things better for me..but to be frank,it might not work as it needs a green light from both side..i am still in the plan's outcome progress and hopefully this green light wont spoil it..like someone said,if u going to die,make sure u die alone,dont let others to know about it,sad and cry about it..although i dont really agree but..i dont have a choice do i?simply i want but i cant actually..and i damn proud to make a twist back,hehe..making i myself feel less guilty about it..anyway,can anyone else come and share and keep my secret?just anyone..haha

ah..someone..anybody..please..just wake me up when september ends..

bad guy

2009-09-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

i feel bad..why?because i feel that i'm living my life full with lies..be it a good lies,or bad 1..be it for my @ your own good..i still feel so bad about it..

i dont know what is happening to me..all i know is that,i am so not happy with it,or rather it turns to be more complicated than i thought..

i am doing something i dont like daily..doing something i wont do normally daily..and on top of everything,i'm wearing a mask to live my life now..a mask to cover every single emotion,past & conflict that i have..

i might "acted" a lot in my past,but it is hard to do it now again,especially when it relates to my personal feeling..can i lie nor hide about it,whereas the whole world know the truth behind it..

i admit,i made a mistake..and i cant turn back the time to correct it..even if i can,i believe i might just re-do the same thing..cause i dont wanna to hurt U and u and YOU and you there..and now that i regreted the mistake i made,i realize that i will never get a second chance to make thing right..or more accurately,i dont have the chance to do cause i didn't get a chance from u or U or you or YOU to do so..

now that i been thinking,even if i am given a second chance,will i be brave enough,to remove my mask,to do the correct thing,and make sure that i will not regret about it later..but based on my observation,dont even think that it will come to that day itself..it is impossible..

or am i too timid to take a step ahead?or am i too scare history might repeat itself?or i scare i might be the one that might hurt her?or i just think a lot,too deep and yet too far ahead?

i just dont understand about something..this is not the first time i'm doing it but somehow,i feel extremely bad this time..am i taking it too serious or is there some other reason i feel it this way..

the question might be..why am i doing this at first place..everyone might think personal emotion often controls the action,but somehow i manage to fight it..or..should be like everyone else,let the emotion to control me,and face the outcome later on..?i wonder...

the day is coming,and i am planning to do something that i did last time,so-called the last move,a move for checkmate in the 'chess game of life'..it might end up both of us being something we dont want to due to my footstep,like the old time,but as i mention earlier,i scare this is the wrong move that i am taking..what should i do..i know my plan very well,and the possibility of success is as high as 95%,especially the way "XXXX" treats me nowadays..but there is a reason that makes me to think twice about it..this is the first time i actually think twice before excecute my evil plan..what's wrong with me..

just tell me what to do,continue to be a bad guy..or let my emotion decides my fate..

Kesudahan yang Menyedihkan (the last stand)

2009-09-12T08:15:00.000-07:00

.........................

Aku membuka kedua-dua mataku, perlahan-lahan. Seluruh badanku terasa lemah, bagaikan tiada tenaga. Aku menoleh ke arah kananku, kelihatan seorang wanita duduk tertidur sambil memegang tanganku, erat. Ya, dialah ibuku. Aku pasti, amat pasti.

“I..I..bu..”panggilku, namun suaraku masih lemah dan tidak kuat. Ibu tersentak, terjaga daripada tidurnya lalu memandang ke arah wajahku yang masih lagi pucat. Wajahnya riang, meluru keluar dan memanggil doktor. Maafkanlah aku, ibu. Aku telah membuat awak risau tentang diriku. Tanpa disedari, aku telah terlantar di atas katil hospital hampir empat bulan lamanya. Tempoh yang amat lama. Tempoh yang menyeksa ibuku selama ini. Tetapi hari ini, aku gembira. Aku baru sahaja menamatkan kesengsaraan ibuku yang tercinta ini. Ibuku memberitahuku, esok adalah hari jadiku, juga merupakan hari untuk semua orang mengambil slip keputusan STPM. Ingin juga aku mengambilnya sendiri, tetapi keadaan aku kini tidak mengizinkannya.

Sepanjang hari ini, aku ditemani ibu dan adik-adikku. Aku hanya dapat mendengar cerita mereka, peristiwa yang mengambil tempat selama ini. Aku tersenyum. Syukurlah, semuanya masih belum berubah. Tiba-tiba kepalaku terasa amat sakit. Aku ingin menjerit, namun tiada kata-kata yang keluar dari mulutku. Cecair yang berwarna merah mula mengaliri kepalaku. Manusia yang menemani aku tadi menjerit ketakutan. Ibuku segera mendapatkan doktor. Entah apa yang sedang berlaku. Namun, kesakitan yang menggigit kepalaku tidak dapat aku tanggung lagi. Aku pengsan.

Matahari sudah menjelma, aku pun bangun daripada tidur semalam. Ganjil, kali ini aku dapat bergerak bebas. Aku tersenyum riang. Tanpa membuang masa, aku meluru keluar, mendapatkan ibuku untuk memberitahu berita baik ini. Sebaik sahaja aku melangkah keluar dari pintu wad, aku dapat melihat ibu dan adikku terduduk di atas bangku, menangis. Hairan. Aku segera mendapatkan mereka, berlari meluru ke arahnya. Sebelum aku berjaya, Cikgu Ranjit bersama tiga orang pelajar yang lain mendapatkan mereka terlebih dahulu. John, Ric dan Jes rupanya. Mereka pasti datang untuk menumpang berita baik aku ini, fikirku.

“Tahniah, puan! Win dapat keputusan yang terbaik, 10 terbaik dalam negara, 4A!” kata Cikgu Ranjit, tercungap-cungap. Aku tersenyum, usahaku selama ini telah membuahkan hasilnya dan tidak mengecewakan manusia yang meletakkan harapan masing-masing di atas bahuku. Aku mula berjalan perlahan, tidak lagi berlari. Aku berharap mereka tersedar akan kehadiranku lalu mendekapku. Tiba-tiba, sekumpulan jururawat memintas jalanku. Mereka menolak sekejur tubuh yang diliputi kain putih. Doktor datang menghampiri ibuku.

“Maafkan kami, puan. Kami sudah buat yang terbaik namun Tuhan yang lebih menyayanginya,” kata doktor. Air mata mula berlinangan di pipi setiap manusia yang aku kenali di situ. Kain putih itu ditarik. Aku tersentak. Wajahnya seiras dengan wajahku, tiada perbezaan.

Aku tersenyum. Kini aku mengerti. Rupanya, aku sudah tewas dalam peperangan ini. Tuhan telah member aku hadiah hari jadi aku semalam, untuk melihat dunia buat kali terakhir, untuk melihat wajah orang yang aku kasihi. Kini semua insan di hadapan mataku menangis dan memeluk tubuh yang tidak bernyawa itu, menjerit-jerit namaku. Hatiku sayu, pedih. Aku ingin bersuara, namun tiada orang yang mampu mendengarnya.

Aku berjalan, beredar dari tempat tersebut. Aku sedar, aku tidak lagi dimiliki dunia ini. Aku ingin menoleh dan melihat wajah manusia yang sedang menangis kesedihan, namun aku batalkan niat ini sahaja. Berat rasa hatiku ini. Tidak sampai hati untuk aku melepaskan segala-galanya di sini. Segala yang kutempuhi selama ini. Segala yang kuusahakan selama ini. Semuanya sia-sia sahaja? Ataupun sekurang-kurangnya membuahkan sedikit hasil yang boleh mengubati rasa duka cita semua orang? Adakah kesudahan seperti ini yang patut aku lalui? Ataupun Tuhan telah membuat satu kesilapan yang besar? Tiada sesiapa pun yang mampu memberikan jawapannya.

.............................

goodbye to my friend..rip

Kesudahan yang Menyedihkan (a story part 3)

2009-09-07T00:11:00.000-07:00

.....

Perasaan Jes mungkin sedih bercampur marah, fikirku. Sepanjang hari ini di sekolah, dia tidak pernah mengeluarkan sepatah ayat pun dari mulutnya. Dia juga tidak bercakap denganku. Namun, aku mengerti. Tindakanku kelmarin mungkin meninggalkan kesan yang mendalam, namun itulah pendirianku. Aku cuma berharap api kemarahan yang membara dalam hatinya akan reda dan memaafkan tindakanku. Aku tidak berharap aku akan kehilangan seorang kawan yang penting dalam hidupku. Tiba-tiba, John dan Ric datang menghampiri aku. Mereka berkata mereka ingin mengadakan majlis perpisahan untukku selepas STPM memandangkan aku seorang sahaja yang tidak menyertai rancangan mereka. Walaupun aku membantah keras, namun aku tidak mampu untuk melawan niat baik kedua-dua kawanku ini. Aku mengangguk tanda setuju.

Akhirnya, masa yang ditunggu-tunggu kini sudah tiba. Pelajar-pelajar SMK Pantai Cahaya mula menunjukkan kerenah masing-masing. Ada yang menggigit jari, ada yang berdoa, ada yang membelek muka surat demi muka surat. Aku hanya terduduk di tepi pintu dewan sekolah itu. Tenang, tanpa sebarang gangguan. Namun, soalan yang sedang bermain di otak fikiran aku adalah mudah; STPM atau penyakitku? Entah apakah yang lebih patut aku risaukan sekarang. Aku menghilangkan diri dalam lamunan aku itu.

“Janganlah risau, Win,” suara Jes membangunkanku daripada lamunan. Aku terkejut. Tangan kirinya menepuk bahuku, cuba menenangkan diriku agaknya. “Kamu pasti boleh mendapat result yang cemerlang dan membanggakan kami semua,” sambungnya lagi. Oh, terima kasih Jes! Walaupun aku telah melukakan hatimu, tetapi layananmu terhadapku masih tidak berubah. Aku berjanji tidak akan mengecewakan harapanmu, Jes. Kata-katamu cukup dijadi sumber pedoman untuk mengharungi hari-hari yang akan datang. Walau apapun, ini adalah pilihanku, keputusanku untuk menduduki peperiksaan sebelum menjalankan pembedahan yang berbahaya ini. Aku pasti akan dapat mengharungi kedua-dua dugaan ini.

STPM yang digeruni para pelajar tingkatan 6 SMK Pantai Cahaya akhirnya mengambil tempat. Setiap pelajar memerah jus otaknya untuk memikirkan jawapan kepada soalan yang ditanyakan. Semuanya sedar, musuh kali ini bukan calang-balang orangnya. Keputusannya bakal menentukan masa depan setiap insan di dalam dewan tersebut. Aku menjawab setiap soalan yang dikemukakan dengan tenang dan yakin, seakan-akan tiada soalan yang aku tidak tahu. Hari berganti hari, minggu berganti minggu, akhirnya peperiksaan ini pun tamat. Wajah riang jelas terukir pada wajah setiap pelajar. Semuanya lega, peperangan ini telah berjaya diharungi.

Seperti yang dijanjikan John dan Ric, mereka mengadakan majlis perpisahan untukku. Rumah Ric yang menjadi rumah tumpuan rakan sekolah. Dialah yang menyediakan segala-galanya untukku. Aku berasa serba-salah. Patutkah aku berterus-terang? Ata uterus menyimpan rahsia yang membebani jiwaku selama ini? Sampai hatikah aku untuk terus menipu manusia yang bergelar sahabat ini? Tetapi, aku terpaksa bertindak kejam. Aku tidak ingin sesiapa pun yang risau. Aku berdiam diri sambil memandang ke arah wajah Jes. Sedih, aku fikir. Aku mengamati setiap wajah rakanku yang sudi hadir member muka, apatah lagi mungkin ini adalah kali terakhir aku bertemu dengan semua. Mungkin Tuhan tidak memberi aku peluang yang kedua untuk bertemu dengan mereka.

Akhirnya majlis ini pun berakhir. Semua rakan bergerak meninggalkan rumah Ric satu per satu. Kini, hanya tinggal John, Jes dan Ric. Perbualan masih diteruskan, rancak. Sekali-sekala aku melihat jam tanganku, meneliti pergerakan jarum saat yang membuat satu lokus bulatan. Kalau boleh, aku ingin membawa memori ini untuk menyertai peperanganku yang kedua. Sebuah memori yang terakhir bersama tiga sahabat karibku, barangkali. Jam menunjukkan pukul 6 petang. Matahari sudah mula berehat di sebalik bukit. Bulan purnama pula mula menunjukkan kecantikannya. Sayang, perbualan kami berempat terpaksa menabur tirai.

“Kawan-kawan, dah lewatlah. Saya kena balik sekarang. Nanti ibu risaulah,” kataku. Perlahan-lahan, aku mula bangun dari kerusi sofa yang selesa itu. Selangkah demi selangkah, aku mula beredar, menuju ke arah pintu di ruang tamu. Belum sempat aku menoleh untuk mengucapkan selamat tinggal, Jes merempuh ke arahku, dipeluknya, erat. Perasaannya sungguh selesa, tidak pernah aku mengalami keadaan sebegini. Tanpa disedari, air membanjiri mataku. Barangkali habuk memasuki mataku. Aku cuba menahannya. Jes, John, Ric. Maafkanlah aku. Aku akan menghargai persahabatan kami berempat. Selamanya.

Kini, aku berada di Hospital Pantai Cahaya. Terlantar di atas katil pesakit. Kawan-kawanku yang lain mesti menyangka aku berada dalam perjalanan ke rantau orang. Aku tidak dapat membuat apa-apa, cuma menunggu masa. Ganjil, perasaan takut kini mula menyelebungi seluruh badanku. Pintu wad ditolak. Seorang jururawat melangkah masuk. Picagari yang dipenuhi cecair lutsinar dipegangnya. Jarum yang tajam disuntik ke lengan kiriku, cecair tersebut kini menyebur masuk ke dalam badanku. Sakit, tetapi untuk sementara sahaja. Entah mengapa, aku mulai berasa letih. Mataku semakin berat. Beberapa orang jururawat datang kemudian dan menolak katilku keluar. Dalam perjalanan aku itu, aku dapat melihat ibuku, adikku dan Cikgu Ranjit. Namun, penglihatanku samar-samar, tidak jelas. Ingin juga aku berkata, tetapi tidak terdaya. Aku memejamkan mataku, menyerahkan kesemuanya kepada Tuhan.....

such an ending

2009-09-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

i always tell my best friend something like this....

hold on if u feel like letting go..if u feel like giving up..its not over yet...
if u really like her,but dont feel like start a relationship,at least tell her what u feel...
if she's asking for break up,let it be..let her to be happier then..u hav no choice...
dont feel sad..there's a lot more waiting for u in the future...
u'll nvr know until u giv a try...

and many more...but somehow..in UTP,i feel like all of what i've said are reflecting back to me..pointing at me..its like asking me to prove tht i say it,i can do it..but now i realise..i'm tht strong either..just like my frens said,its easier to say than done...

one of the cruel techniques i thought them was accept them,but just ignore them for whole week..they'll understand..& i actually did tht myself,a few times...though it was not the best solution,but at least i'm killing their hopes..such a bad guy huh..?

some1 asked me..how if he thinks tht he found the wrong 1..how if in the future he did not love her anymore...how if out of a suddenly,there comes "the one" for him...i replied him..what r u looking for in love,in a relationship..why do u like at 1st..b'cz of her beauty?smile?personality?or b'cz u feel 'the click' between u two?i dont know bout u but i can tolerate forever,even the feel dies tmr..i choose her to be a part of my life & i dont wish to hurt her in anyhow..even "the one" comes later,i've made a choice,a choice of no turning back..blame ur destiny for not bringing her out sooner..blame urself to make a decision of ur life time..there's no sorry or mistake in a relationship..just mis-step..

i seriously hate those ppl tht fall in love today & the next few days telling her tht he doesnt love her anymore or she doesnt suit him..it started for few days & then u r giving up for such a stupid reason??how u gonna life with any-HER in the future for the rest of ur life-lar..but..nobody will understand it..everyone is selfish when it comes into a relationship right...they wanna best for themselves...

these few days back,i so-called settle a thing,though it was so-called-again settled a few weeks ago but some misunderstanding & yet personal view made it more complicated than i thought..it was actually simple,said & done stuff but the complicated mind often creates illusion where human will start to thinki something beyond the reality point..we'll let the future decides everything..if there is such a future,hopefully,everyone will just be happy & move on with their lives then..

all i can do is wish her to be happier days by days..

such an ending...

Kesudahan yang Menyedihkan ( a story Part 2)

2009-09-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

.....
Aku membuka mataku,perlahan-lahan,sambil memandang ke arah sekelilingku. Ya, tidak syak lagi, hospital! Aku mendapatkan selipar lamaku yang diletakkan di bawah katil, berjalan keluar dari bilik tersebut. Di sebalik pintu wad ini, aku mendapati namaku disebut beberapa kali. Aku meneliti perbualan mereka, mengintai di sebalik cermin pintu tersebut. Seorang doktor, Cikgu Ranjit dan ibuku sedang membincangkan sesuatu. Ya Tuhanku! Tumor dalam otakku? Tak mungkin! Ibuku menangis, tidak lagi mampu menahan perasaan yang dipendamnya. Daun pintu ditolakku, segera keluar, berlari memeluk ibuku. Aku meminta perkara ini dirahsiakan. Aku tidak ingin ada seorang insan lagi yang risau tentang diriku. Cikgu Ranjit pula berjanji untuk membiayai sebahagiaan kos pembedahanku. Terima kasih, cikgu! Aku akan lebih menghargai saki-baki hidupku mulai hari ini.
Kini, aku perlu membuat satu keputusan yang paling sukar dalam hidupku. Satu keputusan yang akan mengubah segala-galanya. Pembedahanku hanya dapat mengambil tempatnya ketika STPM berlangsung. Aku berasa serba-salah; peperangan yang manakah aku patut abaikan? Kata doktor, pembedahanku akan mempunyai risiko yang tinggi jika dibuat selepas STPM. Puas aku berfikir seorang diri, meraba-raba jawapan dalam sel-sel otakku. Akhirnya, aku telah memdapat jawapannya. Ya, aku mengambil keputusan untuk berhadapan dengan STPM dahulu. Sekurang-kurangnya jika aku akan gagal mengharungi pembedahanku, aku tidak mempunyai sebarang kesalan. Namun jauh dalam sanubariku, satu persoalan telah timbul. Apakah Tuhan sedang mempermainkan aku? Tiada jawapan yang dapat diberikan.
Pada keesokan harinya, aku pergi ke sekolah, seperti saban hari aku melaluinya. Belajar, mengulangkaji, berbual-bual dengan rakan. Mungkin saat ini tidak akan berulang selepas aku menjalankan pembedahan. Detik-detik seumpama ini seharusnya aku hargai sekarang. Aku sedar, sekurang-kurangnya aku harus memberikan apa-apa alasan tentang ketiadaanku selepas STPM. John, Ric dan Jes sudah mempunyai rancangan yang melibatkan diriku selepas peperiksaan. Namun, aku terpaksa menarik diri. Aku masih mempunyai satu lagi musuh yang perlu aku hadapi, yang perlu aku perangi. Kawan-kawan inilah yang paling rapat denganku. Jika boleh, aku tidak ingin mengecewakan hasrat mereka. Namun, apakah dayaku untuk menentang ujian yang diberikan-Nya?
“Yo gang, lepas sekolah aku belanja makan,” ajakku. Mereka kelihatan terkejut. Maklumlah, aku jarang keluar makan bersama mereka apatah lagi belanja makan. Mereka tersenyum, mengangguk kepala tanda setuju. Hatiku lega. Jauh di dalam hatiku, aku berjanji untuk memberikan satu penjelasan kepada mereka. Alasan yang tidak membuatkan mereka risau. Loceng yang terakhir akhirnya bermaharaja lela. Kini, kami berempat berada di kantin, menikmati makanan sambil berbual kosong, berketawa riang. Masing-masing sungguh berselera, barangkali tidak jika kebenaran diketahui mereka. Akhirnya, aku memberanikan diri untuk menyatakan alasan yang berjaya kufikirkan setelah letih memulas kepalaku.
“Er, gang, sebenarnya selepas STPM, saya kena pergi ke Kualang untuk bekerja so saya tak dapat nak join rancangan you all, sorry ya,” kataku. Aku cuba mengukirkan satu senyuman, namun wajah kekecewaan lagi terkejut kawanku melunturkan kekuatanku. Pelbagai soalan yang diajukan. Aku menjawab setiap satunya dengan berhati-hati, agar perkara sebenar tidak akan terbocor secara tidak langsung. Maafkan aku, semua.
Seperti hari-hari yang biasa, aku perfi ke kampung jiran untuk menjual kuih-muih. Walaupun ibuku melarang aku untuk bergerak sebarangan namun aku bertegas. Duit hasil jualan ini dapat digunakan untuk membiayai kos pembedahanku, walaupun tidak seberapa. Meskipun Cikgu Ranjit sudi menghulurkan bantuan, namun aku tidak ingin mengharapkan bantuan beliau sepenuhnya. Biarpun cikgu akan membiayai sepenuhnya kos pembedahanku, sekurang-kurangnya duit ini akan digunakan untuk membayar budi baik cikgu, walaupun jumlahnya tidak besar.
Selang beberapa hari kemudian, aku menerima sepucuk surat daripada Jes. Ganjil. Mengapakah dia tidak berjumpa terus denganku tetapi menghantar surat? Tanpa berfikir panjang, aku membuka sampul surat tersebut dengan berhati-hati. Isinya kukeluarkan. Setiap patah perkataan kuteliti satu per satu. Oh Tuhanku! Jes melafazkan isi hatinya kepadaku. Katanya, dia akan menungguku di kedai makan yang terletak di hapadan sekolah. Sekali lagi, aku berasa serba salah. Apakah yang patut kulakukan? Berjumpa dengannya? Menjelaskan perkara yang sebenar? Atau mengecewakan hatinya? Aku keliru, apakah aku sedang dipermainkan? Aku hanya dapat membuat keputusan yang sukar lagi wajar, aku mengambil keputusan untuk tidak berjumpa dengannya. Mungkin keputusan ini agak teruk sebagai seorang lelaki dan akan mengecewakan hati Jes, tetapi adalah baik jika dia tidak mengetahui perkara yang sebenarnya....

wrong wrong & WRONG~~!!!!

2009-09-04T07:59:00.000-07:00

as far as i concern,what am i doing,what am i deciding..it was all wrong..none of them were at least give a good result out of it..i thought i know everything,i thought i know what's the best..maybe i was too confident but despite being too confident,i feel the pain of falling down from a tree..not any tree,perhaps a tree with the height of a coconut tree..

seriously..i dont think i did anything right all these while..i lost friends..i lost ppl's trust on me..i lost my love..i lost the expectation..i lost everything before..so afterall,i'm not so all-star huh..

i cant stand disappointment..it is like a needle strikes my heart,poking it as my heart beats..worst still,i dont like to talk about my personal problems..i dont know why but for sure,it is not because i'm not willing to share it out..perhaps i am not good at expressing it to another ppl..or is it i am anti-social?or mayb its hard for me to find some1 tht really understands me..?

i wish i could free my mind,not thinking about the past..not to try to act in front of ppl..not trying to be someone i am not..

and as some1 told me before to post my written essay here to be commented,so pls do shot me..

Kesudahan yang Meyedihkan

“Baik, masa dah tamat! Berhenti menulis sekarang,” kata Cikgu Ranjit. Semua pelajar SMK Pantai Cahaya hanya menurut arahannya. Mereka sedar, membantah arahannya adalah sia-sia sahaja. Cikgu Ranjit bersama beberapa orang guru berjalan mengelilingi dewan sekolah untuk mengutip kertas jawapan Matematik Tulen yang baru sahaja dijawab semua pelajar, barangkali bukan semuanya.

“Baiklah, terima kasih atas kerjasama pelajar sekalian. Jadi sampai sini sahajalah Ujian Percubaan STPM kamu. Kamu boleh beredar dari dewan peperiksaan ini sekarang,” kata beliau, sambil mengumpulkan kertas jawapan yang dikutip oleh guru lain. Semua pelajar mula mengerakkan badan masing-masing dan beredar. Ada yang tersenyum riang; ada yang bermasam muka; ada yang selamba sahaja. Namun aku sedar. Peperangan baru sahaja bermula. Kira-kira dua bulan dari sekarang, musuh yang lebih kuat akan menyerang semua pelajar tingkatan 6 di seluruh Malaysia. Berusaha dan memenangi peperangan yang bakal menentukan nasib masa hadapan atau mengalah dan biar Tuhan yang menentukan hala tuju masa hadapan; semuanya terletak pada tangan masing-masing.

“Hei, Win! Macam mana? Senang kan?” tanya Jonathan, kawan karibku semenjak kecil lagi. Dia lebih selesa jika dipanggil dengan nama John; singkat dan mudah. Mukanya masih berpeluh, mungkin kerana tahap kesukaran ujian tadi betul-betul menguji kemampuannya. Menyusuli di belakang John ialah Jes dan Ric.

“Tak susah sangat, juga tak senang sangat,” usikku. Aku tahu, Matematik Tulen merupakan mata pelajaran yang sukar untuk John. Begitu juga dengan Jes dan Ric. Aku sering kali member tunjuk ajar kepada mereka, terutamanya Jes. Aku pun tidak tahu mengapa aku berasa selesa setiap kali bersamanya. Perasaan itu sukar dijelaskan dengan kata-kata.

“Janganlah peril John macam tu. Tak baik. Jadi, Win, apa rancangan kamu sekarang? Nak pergi makan bersama-sama?” tanya Jes. Suaranya manis, seakan-akan si anak kecil meminta kasih daripada ibunya. Kalau ikutkan kata hati, aku ingin memberikan jawapan yang positif namun aku terpaksa menolak ajakannya. Aku terpaksa pulang ke rumah dengan segera. Ibuku sudah tentu sedang menunggu kepulanganku sekarang. Pagi tadi, aku telah berjanji untuk membantunya menjual kuih-muih di Kampung Cahaya. Aku harus cuba meringankan beban ibuku yang terpaksa bekerja keras mencari nafkah hidup selepas pemergian ayahku sepuluh tahun yang lalu.

“Maaflah, saya kena balik sekarang. Nak bantu ibu jual kuih di kampung jiran,” balasku. Wajah kawan-kawanku mengukirkan ayat kekecewaan. Namun apakah dayaku. Selaku anak sulung, sudah menjadi tanggungjawabku terhadap keluarga. Selepas mengucapkan selamat tinggal, aku beredar menuju ke bangsal basikal, mendapatkan basikal usangku. Tubuhnya sudah dihuni karat, namun itulah hakikatnya; aku tidak mampu membeli basikal yang baru. Aku mula mengayuhnya, perlahan-lahan, seperti saban hari yang aku lalui. Tidak pernah aku mengadu tentangnya yang sudah terukir sebagai suratan takdir. Namun cuaca hari ini yang mendung menyelesakan perjalananku. Alangkah baiknya jika setiap hari pun begitu. Masa bersilih ganti, tanpa disedari, aku sampai ke rumah setingganku. Ibu kini sudah menanti di pintu rumah, risau rasanya.

“Eh, lambatnya hari ini,” katanya. Percakapannya yang laju jelas menunjukkan ibu sedang risau tentang diriku. Entahlah, barangkali kerana baru-baru ini, berlaku banyak kemalangan di sekitar kawasan ini.

“Tak adalah, cuma berbual sebentar dengan kawan di sekolah,” balasku. Selepas menjamah makanan tengah hari, aku mengambil sebuah bakul rotan yang penuh dengan kuih-muih beraneka jenis. Semuanya untuk dijual di kampung jiran. Sekali lagi, aku menunggang basikal using yang telah menjadi teman sedekad lamanya untuk menambah sedikit pendapatan ibuku. Pernah aku fikir untuk berhenti bersekolah, namun niat ini aku matikan dalam hati.

Seperti hari yang biasa, aku menggunakan jalan yang sama menuju ke destinasiku. Namun hari ini agak istimewa. Aku bertemu dengan Cikgu Ranjit dan kami berbual sebentar. Tidak pernah kusangka, Cikgu Ranjit memuji sikapku ini. Terasa bangga hatiku.

Tetapi entah mengapa, secara tiba-tiba kepalaku mula berasa pening. Badanku terasa lemah. Penglihatanku mulai kabur. Namaku dipanggil beberapa kali oleh cikgu namun suaranya semakin kurang jelas. Akibatnya, tubuhku jatuh ke muka Bumi. Aku pengsan....

(to be continued..)

careless again..

2009-09-03T23:39:00.000-07:00

i was so careless in my test yet again..& it is the same old stupid mistake..that is take the question paper & start doing without reading the instructions clearly(or never read at all cz i'm assuming i know wat it is going to ask about..)padan muka win sin..tak serik-serik ulangi kesalahan yang sama..

its either i will fail the only test or luck a bit..keep my fingers cross..

to my dad with love

2009-09-02T04:22:00.000-07:00

11 years gone..
i'm 20 now..
i'm trying to get stronger..
days by days..
life is hard..
the pressure is great..
but i will hang in there..
cz this is for u dad..
for i am ur son..
and proud share ur blood..

Merdeka Merdeka Merdeka

2009-08-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

selamat menyambut hari kemerdekaan malaysia yang ke-52..

i'm sorry..

2009-08-28T17:41:00.001-07:00

after so many years..still..many ppl worry about..or concern about me..is this the life i suppose to gone through..?making ppl i care a lot..a love a lot..to worry about me..?i dont wan that to happen..

do u understand how does it feel..when out of sudden..the fren tht u care so much..who was talking with u..concerning about u..asking about u..worrying about u..cry in front of u..yes?no?u dont know?well..i know it very well..

could anyone tell me..why is this happening to me..?why must i hurt a gal after a gal..?why must i making them worry about me..?there are too many WHY questions but blank answer in my mind..

mayb i'm just a jerk..who likes to make ppl worry about me...cry in silence..i dont deserve ur tears..i'm just nobody but some1 who doesnt deserve these kind of attention..

faces after faces are now appearing my mind as i typed..i still could remember who..& how painful it was when a gal is crying in front of u..& i didnt do anything at all every single time it happens..quietly,scolding & blaming myself for making a gal cry..there's two women i need to take care of in my house,so i promised not to make any gal cry long ago..but i failed..

i thought i learnt the lesson..i thought i know wat am i suppose to do,suppose to avoid..but..i cant..i cant do anything..it just happen..just a wind blows..u can feel it but cant dodge it..why i hav gone all through these kind of experience..

lately..i upset some1,again..i feel extremely bad..& once again,due to my stupidness,i did nothing to cheer her up..i was only able to watch,doing nothing,like an idiot once again..how i wish she just slap me,wake me up from the reality..

once a gal told me..why i wouldnt share my stories,my sadness with her..she was pushing me with all her might..but i remain quiet throughout the conversation..i still remember,it was around 3am in the morning..all the others left the hall but two of us..she cried & i was shocked..she was known the be the strongest gal in her sch & yet,she cried because of me..i felt bad..really really bad..now,she even call once in awhile to check on me..i appreciate her attention very much..i regreted tht i could not do anything better for her..

i dont know..wat can i do..wat should i do..wat i must do..to change everything..back to normal..to change it,so i can live normally..without..hurting ppl..again and again..

pls tell me how..

it's coming..

2009-08-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

it's coming..30-hour famine..

well,i wonder if i can tahan 30 hours without food..i myself cannot tahan even for 2-4 hours..haha..its a challenge..hopefully i'll be able to make it..

let's help the poor kids..we can make a difference...

Kehidupanku di UTP

2009-08-11T23:27:00.000-07:00

Sesungguhnya kehidupan di universiti tidak semudah yang disangkakan..bangun pada jam 6-7 setiap pagi, berjalan kaki untuk menghadiri kuliah, tiada kemudahan internet di bilik, belajar @ bermain sehingga lewat malam..barangkali kerana aku belajar di IPTS sekarang, tidak sama seperti di IPTA..

keadaan kini telah bersilih ganti..jika pada awal pengajian aku di sini aku hanya menatap pada skrin komputer riba mahupun bermandi peluh dengan raket badmintonku, kini kehidupan seharianku lebih sibuk..kerja rumah dan laporan makmal perlu disiapkan, ulangkaji perlu dibuat setiap malam, mesyuarat demi mesyuarat pada waktu malam..oh, hidup tidak semudah yang kusangka!

sudah hampir sebulan aku berada di UTP, sebuah universiti yang ingin kumasuki sebelum aku berlepas ke UMS dan menyukai kehidupan di sana..tekanan untuk belajar bersungguh-sungguh dan berjaya semakin dirasai..aku bukan seseorang yang akan belajar 24jam sehari atau berhadapan dengan buku seberat buah tembikai..namun apakah dayaku?persaingan terlalu hebat di sini malah teknik belajar yang diguna pakai untuk SPM atau STPM pasti menggali kuburku sendiri..kata orang, nasib yang baik jarang berulang lagi..apakah aku hanya bernasib baik selama ini?

kelas yang awal bermula pada 8 pagi di sini namun aku terpaksa bangun lebih awal untuk menyiapkan diri dan berjalan ke bilik kuliah memandangkan pengangkutan tidak disediakan oleh pihak universiti sebagaimana yang disediakan di UMS..jika dibandingkan, UMS jauh lebih besar dan luas berbanding dengan UTP walaupun banyak kawasan yang belum dibangunkan dan pembinaan masih dijalankan di sesetengah kawasan..kebanyakan jadual waktu pembelajaran sudah ditetapkan; hanya satu atau dua kelas yang boleh dipilih masanya..hal ini menyebabkan aku terpaksa belajar pada waktu petang hari Jumaat dan sesetengah kawanku daripada kursus yang lain telah pulang ke rumah atau beristirehat di bilik masing-masing..

aku telah menyertai program 30-hour famine dan menjadi AJK..mesyuarat yang PENDEK seringkali diadakan pada waktu malam, di antara 8 malam dan 10 malam..tempatnya di kolej kediaman yang lain dan aku perlu berjalan kaki ke sana kebanyakan masanya(tiada motor, tiada basikal, cuma sepasang kaki)..walau bagaimanapun, 30-hour famine merupakan aktiviti rasmi pertamaku di UTP, jadi aku tidak sabar untuk menunggu ketibaan hari tersebut(walaupun aku mempunyai hal yang amat penting di Teluk Intan untuk disiapkan)..

dan secara tidak langsung, aku telah menyertai Tae Kwon Do semula di UTP..ketika "berhenti" di Form3/4 dengan alasan hilang minat, namun jauh dalam sanubari aku terasa sayang sekali..bertali pinggang hitam dan terpilih untuk sesi pemilihan wakil SUKMA(atau SUPER?sudah lupa lah)..tetapi jadual latihan di sini akan menjadikan hidupku bertambah sukar saban hari..pada hari Selasa bermula pada pukul 10malam sehinnga 12tengah malam (dan keesokan harinya kelas pada pukul 8pagi serta memerlukan sekurang-kurangnya 20minit untuk berjalan ke sana) dan juga hari Jumaat waktu yang sama(tak jadi balik dah)

Entah apa yang bakal menimpa aku kemudian..surat tawaran biasiswa belum sampai, tidak tahu buat laporan makmal, tidak dapat bermain badminton lagi, tidur lewat bangun awal..terasa rindu pula pada UMS..namun, apakah dayaku untuk mengubah perjalananku ini..tetapi aku telah memilih jalan ini dan nescaya aku akan mengharunginya sehingga akhir nanti..aku akan dan pasti dapat membuktikannya suatu hari nanti..

p/s-feel like writing in BM so..hehe..it's been awhile since i write something in BM..the last was Pihak Ketiga for & in the school magazine..hehe..

a call from KLCC..

2009-08-06T01:46:00.000-07:00

i just get a call from Petronas KLCC..it sounds something like this..

Mr : Is this..erm..Chong..Win..Sin..?
Me : Er..yeah,speaking..
Mr : This is --------- calling from Petronas KLCC..
Me : !!!!!!!!!!!
yes?
Mr : Er..Congratulation..you have been offer a sponsorship from Petronas for your Undergraduate Studies in UTP..
Me : !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr : Hello?
Me : Oh..er..ok...

(Cut the story short)

Mr : We'll call you back..
Me : Ok, thanks again..bye
Mr : Bye..

well..i dont know myself if i should be happy or not..i'm thinking right..is this the main reason i flew back from UMS..?is it all about the sponsorship..?or i hate the facts tht i couldnt get into USM,UTM,UM,UPM,UKM & UPU kicked me to UMS which give me the reason to myself to study in UTP & prove tht i'm not bad myself..haha..i am confused right..

being offered a sponsorship from petronas is not bad thing afterall though..just imagine..out of 1500+ application to UTP,about 30+ from STPM were qualified to the EduCamp(which consist about 570 qualified students from diploma,matriculation,A-level & so on)..& now in UTP,i could count the num of students from STPM(me myself..my roomate from St Michael..my coursemate from Muar..&............thts all???????)well...most STPM-leaver who scored higher than 3.33 will gonna kill me for this.. =.=!!!

but somehow,i still need to wait for their official offer letter & go through their terms & conditions before i really decide on it..maybe i could take risk for another sponsorship/scholarship???

but one thing for sure..the real challenge has just begin...feel the pressure..c the tension..there is nothing free in this world..like in Spiderman..with great power comes great responsibiliy..so..with a sponsorship comes the great pressure..hehe

i was .... and recently i am ....

2009-08-02T02:05:00.000-07:00

well..where should i start..

how about "when i was in UMS"..haha..well,i kinda miss UMS,a lot..i guess u can c it clearly here,i'm posting the UMS song & song virtual view from here..i'm listening to UMS's song Bertekad Cemerlang almost every time when i online here..

during my last week of stay in UMS,which was the 1st week where every1 started their class,i stay in my room thinking if i was making the wrong decision(yeah,almost everyday)..looking at my roommate ah Loong,Jimmy,Khai Long aka Frog,Ah Chen,Ah Yang,Jason,Ah Hao busy going for classes(which will be cancelled later =P),doing assignments etc,i do feel jealous actually..how nice if i'm in their position too..frog did ask me to join one of the classes,but i reject to do so..now to think back,how nice if i actually attend one of the classes there..to be really proud as UMS student..

well,when the classes are cancelled,the next destination will be...1Borneo..i almost spend all my time there,either walking in it again & again,or sit in McD just to online..there were few times where my gang went to the game center(video games,bowling & pool) and not to forget,we watched Transformer there too..it was my 2nd time watching Transformer actually but indeed it was another experience..

and on my very last night aka day aka section with my friends,i'm still doubting my decision..after another visit to 1Borneo,at the night,i went to look for all my buddies..meeting Yang in cafe(& talked for awhile..our most memorable moment,he scared away a guy from knowing a gal..ganas kan?),seeing others in the hostel & talked & played a game..to Ah Hao & Khai Long(or maybe others),did u guys break my record by now,hehe..

and on the early morning(around 6am),i was totally prepared to leave UMS without a happy face..i managed to write a short letter to my friends though,i wonder if they still keep it(haha)..as i left UMS in the Pajero,i did not dare to even look back..oh well..

and of cz,a few days later,i went to register myself in UTP,& went through another orientation again..the facees promised it will be a different type of orientation compared to IPTA's but i guess the only real difference was the night where some students showed their talent..in UMS they performed a live drama with ppl sing & dance..& in UTP,i managed my very first so-called talk show..& it was TOTALLY LIVE during the performance..though i was a school actor,but facing the camera(hey,its not a low quality 1 ok?its almost like u r watching TV,fast,accurate & on-the-spot)is totally different..& i wonder sometimes when my fellow friends watching it in the hall(while i'm in the other room),are they enjoying it or was like "what was that?"..glad i made it through & since then,i was known as Jackie Chung(name as the host of the talk show)..i will upload the photos when i get the CD so wait for it,hehe..& during the "comercial break" in my talk show,others will perform the story of Si Tanggang(u still remember it,dont u)in the modern world..during tht time,i'll take my break,waiting for instruction to continue back..haha..wanna do it again next time =P

and of cz,the classes started the following week BUT we get early holiday on 31st of july..UTP is now quarantined due to H1N1..& before that its was actually Minggu Mesra Kampus(MMK)where students get to register to the club they wanna join..when the rumors about UTP is going to close,ppl are rushing to their room,packing,& getting ready to go home..yeah,just like pasar..haha..of cz i managed to cabut lari..back to hometown ady..

& due to boredom,i read Yang's blog..from the ODEC(i cant find tht place..ish) to the part where he wrote for me(so terharu..sobs sobs)..take my words seriously..I SHALL RETURN TO UMS..so do take for me my matrix card,the UMS vanyard & car sticker..hey,i'm half UMS ok?hehe

Universiti Malaysia Sabah

2009-07-31T04:15:00.000-07:00

Lagu UMS..bertekad cemerlang

some 'tour' i managed to get via youtube..

this is why i miss sabah very much..

UTP vs UMS

2009-07-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

UMS's "twin tower"

a view from the top

it has been a while since i'm in UTP..life's here is not that bad,though i still think that UMS is better than UTP..i do miss my friends & hoping that 1day i will be able to fly back to Sabah & pay a visit to them,be it in UMS itself or in Tawau..

and yeah..Gunung Kinabalu..i miss my "once-in-a-life-time-chance" to climb it since i was only there for about 2weeks..one of reason i chose UMS at the first place is so that i can fly to somewhere far away from home & start my own journey..a life-time journey that finally i can be free from rules..free to do whatever i want..but somehow i chose to come back home to the place where i "suppose" belong to..

UMS..it is indeed one of the most beautiful Uni in Malaysia..biggest chanselor hall?yeah,i think so..friends there?wah..feels like i'm in secondary school again with my classmate..lepak all the time..enjoying all the time..fooling around all the time..

well..UTP is 101% totally different from UMS..no shopping center nearby(1borneo near UMS)for us student to relax after much of studies..no stuttle bus to bring us to lecture hall..although UTP is smaller in saize compared to UMS(they are only about 50% complete i think)but walking everyday doesnt make me feel tht i'm studying in a university...oh well,walking makes u healtier i guess...

sometimes i do think back..did i make a correct choice..will i like or will be more successful here in UTP..wat will happen to me if i remain in UMS..as a private student here in UTP,will i be able to compete with the others for the scholarship or sponsorship..?

oh well,there's no turning back now..the only thing i can do is walking the chosen path & never regret about it..only time will tell if this is the wrong path,the wrong decision..only i myself can decide on it..