bad guy

i feel bad..why?because i feel that i'm living my life full with lies..be it a good lies,or bad 1..be it for my @ your own good..i still feel so bad about it..

i dont know what is happening to me..all i know is that,i am so not happy with it,or rather it turns to be more complicated than i thought..

i am doing something i dont like daily..doing something i wont do normally daily..and on top of everything,i'm wearing a mask to live my life now..a mask to cover every single emotion,past & conflict that i have..

i might "acted" a lot in my past,but it is hard to do it now again,especially when it relates to my personal feeling..can i lie nor hide about it,whereas the whole world know the truth behind it..

i admit,i made a mistake..and i cant turn back the time to correct it..even if i can,i believe i might just re-do the same thing..cause i dont wanna to hurt U and u and YOU and you there..and now that i regreted the mistake i made,i realize that i will never get a second chance to make thing right..or more accurately,i dont have the chance to do cause i didn't get a chance from u or U or you or YOU to do so..

now that i been thinking,even if i am given a second chance,will i be brave enough,to remove my mask,to do the correct thing,and make sure that i will not regret about it later..but based on my observation,dont even think that it will come to that day itself..it is impossible..

or am i too timid to take a step ahead?or am i too scare history might repeat itself?or i scare i might be the one that might hurt her?or i just think a lot,too deep and yet too far ahead?

i just dont understand about something..this is not the first time i'm doing it but somehow,i feel extremely bad this time..am i taking it too serious or is there some other reason i feel it this way..

the question might be..why am i doing this at first place..everyone might think personal emotion often controls the action,but somehow i manage to fight it..or..should be like everyone else,let the emotion to control me,and face the outcome later on..?i wonder...

the day is coming,and i am planning to do something that i did last time,so-called the last move,a move for checkmate in the 'chess game of life'..it might end up both of us being something we dont want to due to my footstep,like the old time,but as i mention earlier,i scare this is the wrong move that i am taking..what should i do..i know my plan very well,and the possibility of success is as high as 95%,especially the way "XXXX" treats me nowadays..but there is a reason that makes me to think twice about it..this is the first time i actually think twice before excecute my evil plan..what's wrong with me..

just tell me what to do,continue to be a bad guy..or let my emotion decides my fate..