b---h

a new beginning as the sun rises to shine a brand new day

and i thought i had let it go a long time ago..but somehow there's some odd feeling kept hunting me when i saw the new status of her..what the hell am i thinking???

ever since that day..i never plan to look back..i never plan to even care about her life anymore..but somehow my heart always change my stands..it's like..there's a small part deep inside me..hoping that things will change and go according to my way..

there are times where revenge is on my mind..but what's the point of revenging where at the end, i might be the one who suffer from it..?even if i get my chance to pay back, i don't think that i can cruelly do it..i'm just, not that type of person i guess...

some time ago, a friend of mine came and told me some truth about her..and the ugly truths make sense..i mean, it's the kind of truth that everyone wishes not to know about it and inside your heart u know u r lying to yourself..the best part, i accepted the truth..i acknowledged it..all i can do it, make a fake smile and act nothing happen..

no worries though..i live my life with no regret so far..and screw her man..u have nothing to do in my life anymore so stop finding me for helps..pretending that we are close friend whenever i'm useful and act busy after i'll help u???i am sorry gal but that ain't gonna happen the next time i receive your damn msg anyway..i had walked a brand new path every single day and i am ain't looking back..

"screw u, i ain't care anymore"

wake me up..when september ends..

i feel happy when people around me are happy and vice versa..i dont know why but i will try my best to make them happy even it doesnt related to me..even if i have to lie about something..even if i need to be somebody that i dont like..as long that they are happy..i'm fine with it..



out of the sudden,i re-call the moment..the day..when i force myself to give the answer 'i am confuse right now' and even after i purposely intro someone to her..and i remember how i used to be in the past regarding this matter..but still i couldn't lie to myself now..the difference is just i step in too deep this time..i am in trouble?perhaps i am..



the fact that she doesnt know the actual truth doesnt bother me..but the worst case is that i'm doing something to her which i shouldnt even started it earlier..i feel bad lying to her,and did 'that' purposely for a few times..it sure hurts a lot..a lot damages..be it mentally or physically..



i did the 'stupid' plan again..from the 1st step till the last step,it is all calculated,no mistake at all..but now it doesnt depend on me to make a u-turn..i am not the one who can decide the outcome of the plan..somehow it differs a little than i planned..shall i stay strong or give in?


and again,knowing the fact that there is something happen behind your back doesnt feel good,at all..i am not dumb or an idiot who do not know how to read a body language..i know everything that happen,in and out..or at least,i sense it..hehe

i guess what goes around comes around..since this is the way i treated someone(s) in my past,now,i get it back..it doesnt feel good of course,and now i know how and why it is so..

and last but not least,its hard to keep a secret..there are only two person here know about the truth,and they are protecting it for me(thanks guys)..i even appreciate it that they try to make things better for me..but to be frank,it might not work as it needs a green light from both side..i am still in the plan's outcome progress and hopefully this green light wont spoil it..like someone said,if u going to die,make sure u die alone,dont let others to know about it,sad and cry about it..although i dont really agree but..i dont have a choice do i?simply i want but i cant actually..and i damn proud to make a twist back,hehe..making i myself feel less guilty about it..anyway,can anyone else come and share and keep my secret?just anyone..haha

ah..someone..anybody..please..just wake me up when september ends..

Kesudahan yang Menyedihkan (the last stand)

.........................


Aku membuka kedua-dua mataku, perlahan-lahan. Seluruh badanku terasa lemah, bagaikan tiada tenaga. Aku menoleh ke arah kananku, kelihatan seorang wanita duduk tertidur sambil memegang tanganku, erat. Ya, dialah ibuku. Aku pasti, amat pasti.


“I..I..bu..”panggilku, namun suaraku masih lemah dan tidak kuat. Ibu tersentak, terjaga daripada tidurnya lalu memandang ke arah wajahku yang masih lagi pucat. Wajahnya riang, meluru keluar dan memanggil doktor. Maafkanlah aku, ibu. Aku telah membuat awak risau tentang diriku. Tanpa disedari, aku telah terlantar di atas katil hospital hampir empat bulan lamanya. Tempoh yang amat lama. Tempoh yang menyeksa ibuku selama ini. Tetapi hari ini, aku gembira. Aku baru sahaja menamatkan kesengsaraan ibuku yang tercinta ini. Ibuku memberitahuku, esok adalah hari jadiku, juga merupakan hari untuk semua orang mengambil slip keputusan STPM. Ingin juga aku mengambilnya sendiri, tetapi keadaan aku kini tidak mengizinkannya.


Sepanjang hari ini, aku ditemani ibu dan adik-adikku. Aku hanya dapat mendengar cerita mereka, peristiwa yang mengambil tempat selama ini. Aku tersenyum. Syukurlah, semuanya masih belum berubah. Tiba-tiba kepalaku terasa amat sakit. Aku ingin menjerit, namun tiada kata-kata yang keluar dari mulutku. Cecair yang berwarna merah mula mengaliri kepalaku. Manusia yang menemani aku tadi menjerit ketakutan. Ibuku segera mendapatkan doktor. Entah apa yang sedang berlaku. Namun, kesakitan yang menggigit kepalaku tidak dapat aku tanggung lagi. Aku pengsan.


Matahari sudah menjelma, aku pun bangun daripada tidur semalam. Ganjil, kali ini aku dapat bergerak bebas. Aku tersenyum riang. Tanpa membuang masa, aku meluru keluar, mendapatkan ibuku untuk memberitahu berita baik ini. Sebaik sahaja aku melangkah keluar dari pintu wad, aku dapat melihat ibu dan adikku terduduk di atas bangku, menangis. Hairan. Aku segera mendapatkan mereka, berlari meluru ke arahnya. Sebelum aku berjaya, Cikgu Ranjit bersama tiga orang pelajar yang lain mendapatkan mereka terlebih dahulu. John, Ric dan Jes rupanya. Mereka pasti datang untuk menumpang berita baik aku ini, fikirku.


“Tahniah, puan! Win dapat keputusan yang terbaik, 10 terbaik dalam negara, 4A!” kata Cikgu Ranjit, tercungap-cungap. Aku tersenyum, usahaku selama ini telah membuahkan hasilnya dan tidak mengecewakan manusia yang meletakkan harapan masing-masing di atas bahuku. Aku mula berjalan perlahan, tidak lagi berlari. Aku berharap mereka tersedar akan kehadiranku lalu mendekapku. Tiba-tiba, sekumpulan jururawat memintas jalanku. Mereka menolak sekejur tubuh yang diliputi kain putih. Doktor datang menghampiri ibuku.


“Maafkan kami, puan. Kami sudah buat yang terbaik namun Tuhan yang lebih menyayanginya,” kata doktor. Air mata mula berlinangan di pipi setiap manusia yang aku kenali di situ. Kain putih itu ditarik. Aku tersentak. Wajahnya seiras dengan wajahku, tiada perbezaan.


Aku tersenyum. Kini aku mengerti. Rupanya, aku sudah tewas dalam peperangan ini. Tuhan telah member aku hadiah hari jadi aku semalam, untuk melihat dunia buat kali terakhir, untuk melihat wajah orang yang aku kasihi. Kini semua insan di hadapan mataku menangis dan memeluk tubuh yang tidak bernyawa itu, menjerit-jerit namaku. Hatiku sayu, pedih. Aku ingin bersuara, namun tiada orang yang mampu mendengarnya.


Aku berjalan, beredar dari tempat tersebut. Aku sedar, aku tidak lagi dimiliki dunia ini. Aku ingin menoleh dan melihat wajah manusia yang sedang menangis kesedihan, namun aku batalkan niat ini sahaja. Berat rasa hatiku ini. Tidak sampai hati untuk aku melepaskan segala-galanya di sini. Segala yang kutempuhi selama ini. Segala yang kuusahakan selama ini. Semuanya sia-sia sahaja? Ataupun sekurang-kurangnya membuahkan sedikit hasil yang boleh mengubati rasa duka cita semua orang? Adakah kesudahan seperti ini yang patut aku lalui? Ataupun Tuhan telah membuat satu kesilapan yang besar? Tiada sesiapa pun yang mampu memberikan jawapannya.

.............................

goodbye to my friend..rip

such an ending

i always tell my best friend something like this....

• hold on if u feel like letting go..if u feel like giving up..its not over yet...
• if u really like her,but dont feel like start a relationship,at least tell her what u feel...
• if she's asking for break up,let it be..let her to be happier then..u hav no choice...
• dont feel sad..there's a lot more waiting for u in the future...
• u'll nvr know until u giv a try...

and many more...but somehow..in UTP,i feel like all of what i've said are reflecting back to me..pointing at me..its like asking me to prove tht i say it,i can do it..but now i realise..i'm tht strong either..just like my frens said,its easier to say than done...

one of the cruel techniques i thought them was accept them,but just ignore them for whole week..they'll understand..& i actually did tht myself,a few times...though it was not the best solution,but at least i'm killing their hopes..such a bad guy huh..?

some1 asked me..how if he thinks tht he found the wrong 1..how if in the future he did not love her anymore...how if out of a suddenly,there comes "the one" for him...i replied him..what r u looking for in love,in a relationship..why do u like at 1st..b'cz of her beauty?smile?personality?or b'cz u feel 'the click' between u two?i dont know bout u but i can tolerate forever,even the feel dies tmr..i choose her to be a part of my life & i dont wish to hurt her in anyhow..even "the one" comes later,i've made a choice,a choice of no turning back..blame ur destiny for not bringing her out sooner..blame urself to make a decision of ur life time..there's no sorry or mistake in a relationship..just mis-step..

i seriously hate those ppl tht fall in love today & the next few days telling her tht he doesnt love her anymore or she doesnt suit him..it started for few days & then u r giving up for such a stupid reason??how u gonna life with any-HER in the future for the rest of ur life-lar..but..nobody will understand it..everyone is selfish when it comes into a relationship right...they wanna best for themselves...

these few days back,i so-called settle a thing,though it was so-called-again settled a few weeks ago but some misunderstanding & yet personal view made it more complicated than i thought..it was actually simple,said & done stuff but the complicated mind often creates illusion where human will start to thinki something beyond the reality point..we'll let the future decides everything..if there is such a future,hopefully,everyone will just be happy & move on with their lives then..

all i can do is wish her to be happier days by days..

such an ending...

wrong wrong & WRONG~~!!!!

as far as i concern,what am i doing,what am i deciding..it was all wrong..none of them were at least give a good result out of it..i thought i know everything,i thought i know what's the best..maybe i was too confident but despite being too confident,i feel the pain of falling down from a tree..not any tree,perhaps a tree with the height of a coconut tree..

seriously..i dont think i did anything right all these while..i lost friends..i lost ppl's trust on me..i lost my love..i lost the expectation..i lost everything before..so afterall,i'm not so all-star huh..

i cant stand disappointment..it is like a needle strikes my heart,poking it as my heart beats..worst still,i dont like to talk about my personal problems..i dont know why but for sure,it is not because i'm not willing to share it out..perhaps i am not good at expressing it to another ppl..or is it i am anti-social?or mayb its hard for me to find some1 tht really understands me..?

i wish i could free my mind,not thinking about the past..not to try to act in front of ppl..not trying to be someone i am not..

and as some1 told me before to post my written essay here to be commented,so pls do shot me..

Kesudahan yang Meyedihkan

“Baik, masa dah tamat! Berhenti menulis sekarang,” kata Cikgu Ranjit. Semua pelajar SMK Pantai Cahaya hanya menurut arahannya. Mereka sedar, membantah arahannya adalah sia-sia sahaja. Cikgu Ranjit bersama beberapa orang guru berjalan mengelilingi dewan sekolah untuk mengutip kertas jawapan Matematik Tulen yang baru sahaja dijawab semua pelajar, barangkali bukan semuanya.

“Baiklah, terima kasih atas kerjasama pelajar sekalian. Jadi sampai sini sahajalah Ujian Percubaan STPM kamu. Kamu boleh beredar dari dewan peperiksaan ini sekarang,” kata beliau, sambil mengumpulkan kertas jawapan yang dikutip oleh guru lain. Semua pelajar mula mengerakkan badan masing-masing dan beredar. Ada yang tersenyum riang; ada yang bermasam muka; ada yang selamba sahaja. Namun aku sedar. Peperangan baru sahaja bermula. Kira-kira dua bulan dari sekarang, musuh yang lebih kuat akan menyerang semua pelajar tingkatan 6 di seluruh Malaysia. Berusaha dan memenangi peperangan yang bakal menentukan nasib masa hadapan atau mengalah dan biar Tuhan yang menentukan hala tuju masa hadapan; semuanya terletak pada tangan masing-masing.

“Hei, Win! Macam mana? Senang kan?” tanya Jonathan, kawan karibku semenjak kecil lagi. Dia lebih selesa jika dipanggil dengan nama John; singkat dan mudah. Mukanya masih berpeluh, mungkin kerana tahap kesukaran ujian tadi betul-betul menguji kemampuannya. Menyusuli di belakang John ialah Jes dan Ric.

“Tak susah sangat, juga tak senang sangat,” usikku. Aku tahu, Matematik Tulen merupakan mata pelajaran yang sukar untuk John. Begitu juga dengan Jes dan Ric. Aku sering kali member tunjuk ajar kepada mereka, terutamanya Jes. Aku pun tidak tahu mengapa aku berasa selesa setiap kali bersamanya. Perasaan itu sukar dijelaskan dengan kata-kata.

“Janganlah peril John macam tu. Tak baik. Jadi, Win, apa rancangan kamu sekarang? Nak pergi makan bersama-sama?” tanya Jes. Suaranya manis, seakan-akan si anak kecil meminta kasih daripada ibunya. Kalau ikutkan kata hati, aku ingin memberikan jawapan yang positif namun aku terpaksa menolak ajakannya. Aku terpaksa pulang ke rumah dengan segera. Ibuku sudah tentu sedang menunggu kepulanganku sekarang. Pagi tadi, aku telah berjanji untuk membantunya menjual kuih-muih di Kampung Cahaya. Aku harus cuba meringankan beban ibuku yang terpaksa bekerja keras mencari nafkah hidup selepas pemergian ayahku sepuluh tahun yang lalu.

“Maaflah, saya kena balik sekarang. Nak bantu ibu jual kuih di kampung jiran,” balasku. Wajah kawan-kawanku mengukirkan ayat kekecewaan. Namun apakah dayaku. Selaku anak sulung, sudah menjadi tanggungjawabku terhadap keluarga. Selepas mengucapkan selamat tinggal, aku beredar menuju ke bangsal basikal, mendapatkan basikal usangku. Tubuhnya sudah dihuni karat, namun itulah hakikatnya; aku tidak mampu membeli basikal yang baru. Aku mula mengayuhnya, perlahan-lahan, seperti saban hari yang aku lalui. Tidak pernah aku mengadu tentangnya yang sudah terukir sebagai suratan takdir. Namun cuaca hari ini yang mendung menyelesakan perjalananku. Alangkah baiknya jika setiap hari pun begitu. Masa bersilih ganti, tanpa disedari, aku sampai ke rumah setingganku. Ibu kini sudah menanti di pintu rumah, risau rasanya.

“Eh, lambatnya hari ini,” katanya. Percakapannya yang laju jelas menunjukkan ibu sedang risau tentang diriku. Entahlah, barangkali kerana baru-baru ini, berlaku banyak kemalangan di sekitar kawasan ini.

“Tak adalah, cuma berbual sebentar dengan kawan di sekolah,” balasku. Selepas menjamah makanan tengah hari, aku mengambil sebuah bakul rotan yang penuh dengan kuih-muih beraneka jenis. Semuanya untuk dijual di kampung jiran. Sekali lagi, aku menunggang basikal using yang telah menjadi teman sedekad lamanya untuk menambah sedikit pendapatan ibuku. Pernah aku fikir untuk berhenti bersekolah, namun niat ini aku matikan dalam hati.

Seperti hari yang biasa, aku menggunakan jalan yang sama menuju ke destinasiku. Namun hari ini agak istimewa. Aku bertemu dengan Cikgu Ranjit dan kami berbual sebentar. Tidak pernah kusangka, Cikgu Ranjit memuji sikapku ini. Terasa bangga hatiku.

Tetapi entah mengapa, secara tiba-tiba kepalaku mula berasa pening. Badanku terasa lemah. Penglihatanku mulai kabur. Namaku dipanggil beberapa kali oleh cikgu namun suaranya semakin kurang jelas. Akibatnya, tubuhku jatuh ke muka Bumi. Aku pengsan....

(to be continued..)

i'm sorry..

after so many years..still..many ppl worry about..or concern about me..is this the life i suppose to gone through..?making ppl i care a lot..a love a lot..to worry about me..?i dont wan that to happen..

do u understand how does it feel..when out of sudden..the fren tht u care so much..who was talking with u..concerning about u..asking about u..worrying about u..cry in front of u..yes?no?u dont know?well..i know it very well..

could anyone tell me..why is this happening to me..?why must i hurt a gal after a gal..?why must i making them worry about me..?there are too many WHY questions but blank answer in my mind..

mayb i'm just a jerk..who likes to make ppl worry about me...cry in silence..i dont deserve ur tears..i'm just nobody but some1 who doesnt deserve these kind of attention..

faces after faces are now appearing my mind as i typed..i still could remember who..& how painful it was when a gal is crying in front of u..& i didnt do anything at all every single time it happens..quietly,scolding & blaming myself for making a gal cry..there's two women i need to take care of in my house,so i promised not to make any gal cry long ago..but i failed..

i thought i learnt the lesson..i thought i know wat am i suppose to do,suppose to avoid..but..i cant..i cant do anything..it just happen..just a wind blows..u can feel it but cant dodge it..why i hav gone all through these kind of experience..

lately..i upset some1,again..i feel extremely bad..& once again,due to my stupidness,i did nothing to cheer her up..i was only able to watch,doing nothing,like an idiot once again..how i wish she just slap me,wake me up from the reality..

once a gal told me..why i wouldnt share my stories,my sadness with her..she was pushing me with all her might..but i remain quiet throughout the conversation..i still remember,it was around 3am in the morning..all the others left the hall but two of us..she cried & i was shocked..she was known the be the strongest gal in her sch & yet,she cried because of me..i felt bad..really really bad..now,she even call once in awhile to check on me..i appreciate her attention very much..i regreted tht i could not do anything better for her..

i dont know..wat can i do..wat should i do..wat i must do..to change everything..back to normal..to change it,so i can live normally..without..hurting ppl..again and again..

pls tell me how..

i was .... and recently i am ....

well..where should i start..

how about "when i was in UMS"..haha..well,i kinda miss UMS,a lot..i guess u can c it clearly here,i'm posting the UMS song & song virtual view from here..i'm listening to UMS's song Bertekad Cemerlang almost every time when i online here..

during my last week of stay in UMS,which was the 1st week where every1 started their class,i stay in my room thinking if i was making the wrong decision(yeah,almost everyday)..looking at my roommate ah Loong,Jimmy,Khai Long aka Frog,Ah Chen,Ah Yang,Jason,Ah Hao busy going for classes(which will be cancelled later =P),doing assignments etc,i do feel jealous actually..how nice if i'm in their position too..frog did ask me to join one of the classes,but i reject to do so..now to think back,how nice if i actually attend one of the classes there..to be really proud as UMS student..

well,when the classes are cancelled,the next destination will be...1Borneo..i almost spend all my time there,either walking in it again & again,or sit in McD just to online..there were few times where my gang went to the game center(video games,bowling & pool) and not to forget,we watched Transformer there too..it was my 2nd time watching Transformer actually but indeed it was another experience..

and on my very last night aka day aka section with my friends,i'm still doubting my decision..after another visit to 1Borneo,at the night,i went to look for all my buddies..meeting Yang in cafe(& talked for awhile..our most memorable moment,he scared away a guy from knowing a gal..ganas kan?),seeing others in the hostel & talked & played a game..to Ah Hao & Khai Long(or maybe others),did u guys break my record by now,hehe..

and on the early morning(around 6am),i was totally prepared to leave UMS without a happy face..i managed to write a short letter to my friends though,i wonder if they still keep it(haha)..as i left UMS in the Pajero,i did not dare to even look back..oh well..

and of cz,a few days later,i went to register myself in UTP,& went through another orientation again..the facees promised it will be a different type of orientation compared to IPTA's but i guess the only real difference was the night where some students showed their talent..in UMS they performed a live drama with ppl sing & dance..& in UTP,i managed my very first so-called talk show..& it was TOTALLY LIVE during the performance..though i was a school actor,but facing the camera(hey,its not a low quality 1 ok?its almost like u r watching TV,fast,accurate & on-the-spot)is totally different..& i wonder sometimes when my fellow friends watching it in the hall(while i'm in the other room),are they enjoying it or was like "what was that?"..glad i made it through & since then,i was known as Jackie Chung(name as the host of the talk show)..i will upload the photos when i get the CD so wait for it,hehe..& during the "comercial break" in my talk show,others will perform the story of Si Tanggang(u still remember it,dont u)in the modern world..during tht time,i'll take my break,waiting for instruction to continue back..haha..wanna do it again next time =P

and of cz,the classes started the following week BUT we get early holiday on 31st of july..UTP is now quarantined due to H1N1..& before that its was actually Minggu Mesra Kampus(MMK)where students get to register to the club they wanna join..when the rumors about UTP is going to close,ppl are rushing to their room,packing,& getting ready to go home..yeah,just like pasar..haha..of cz i managed to cabut lari..back to hometown ady..

& due to boredom,i read Yang's blog..from the ODEC(i cant find tht place..ish) to the part where he wrote for me(so terharu..sobs sobs)..take my words seriously..I SHALL RETURN TO UMS..so do take for me my matrix card,the UMS vanyard & car sticker..hey,i'm half UMS ok?hehe

Universiti Malaysia Sabah

Lagu UMS..bertekad cemerlang

some 'tour' i managed to get via youtube..

this is why i miss sabah very much..

UTP vs UMS

UMS's "twin tower"

a view from the top





it has been a while since i'm in UTP..life's here is not that bad,though i still think that UMS is better than UTP..i do miss my friends & hoping that 1day i will be able to fly back to Sabah & pay a visit to them,be it in UMS itself or in Tawau..

and yeah..Gunung Kinabalu..i miss my "once-in-a-life-time-chance" to climb it since i was only there for about 2weeks..one of reason i chose UMS at the first place is so that i can fly to somewhere far away from home & start my own journey..a life-time journey that finally i can be free from rules..free to do whatever i want..but somehow i chose to come back home to the place where i "suppose" belong to..

UMS..it is indeed one of the most beautiful Uni in Malaysia..biggest chanselor hall?yeah,i think so..friends there?wah..feels like i'm in secondary school again with my classmate..lepak all the time..enjoying all the time..fooling around all the time..

well..UTP is 101% totally different from UMS..no shopping center nearby(1borneo near UMS)for us student to relax after much of studies..no stuttle bus to bring us to lecture hall..although UTP is smaller in saize compared to UMS(they are only about 50% complete i think)but walking everyday doesnt make me feel tht i'm studying in a university...oh well,walking makes u healtier i guess...

sometimes i do think back..did i make a correct choice..will i like or will be more successful here in UTP..wat will happen to me if i remain in UMS..as a private student here in UTP,will i be able to compete with the others for the scholarship or sponsorship..?

oh well,there's no turning back now..the only thing i can do is walking the chosen path & never regret about it..only time will tell if this is the wrong path,the wrong decision..only i myself can decide on it..